I think therefore i am. In my case it is “I think, therefore I am not”
Why these thoughts? Why such a reformulation? Why an ode to my Loneliness. For what is an ode but a poem expressing noble thoughts about something or somebody, celebration of something special.
Then you ask yourself the question, is loneliness something to celebrate, is it noble? Can you say anything positive about loneliness. The answers I do not have. The Loneliness is something I’m a part of, thoughts always come tagging along after the Loneliness. The one can’t live without the other.
I don’t recall how long ago Loneliness and I got to know each other. But it feels like an eternity. I’m sitting in my room, well my fort actually looking at my reflection in the window.
Suddenly I realise I don’t recognise that person staring at me. I try to look into the eyes of this unknown person and the only thing I see is fear and hopelessness.
Heavy thoughts cutting from the inside, thoughts leading you deep into the hell hole.
Slowly but safely with time, I’ve been wrapped into the silky sheets of Loneliness. It’s been in hiding and waiting for me, for my thoughts. Looking forward to conquer the mind of a woman who has lost all hope, all joy, happiness, all her smiles. Slowly I’ve surrendered to Loneliness, like a love-sick woman surrendering to her young lover.
The lover who makes her forget everything when they’re together. A lover who makes her think only of him, surrendering body and soul, making her believe he is her God and her Devil, the lover giving her brief moments of happiness before she returns to her old and boring life. A life where every day is a cold winters day.
Such is the relationship between me and my Loneliness. It is my lover, it has conquered me, emptied me for all I ever had. All good I ever had. My God and my Devil. Gives so little but takes double as much.
Now it’s only the two of us, I am its slave. But I can never return to my old and boring life like the woman and her young lover.
I don’t remember my life before getting to know the Loneliness. Sometimes I see flashes, contours, shadows, voices…but no. It has chained me to it self for all eternity. I’ve tried to get loose, I’ve tried to beg for my freedom, if it was possible I would have sold my soul to break these chains. But no, it’s impossible. I’ve become a shadow in a place where it’s always foggy. Nobody sees me anymore.
I’ve become detached from my body and brain. I sit and watch my own decay.
Sometimes we’re not alone, my Loneliness and I. We’re joined by the many thoughts. Small, big, thin, thick, black, red, white, blue… Combined we make an explosion of colors. But nobody sees that. Just us…and we’re fine. The Loneliness is thrilled because it is not alone, the thoughts are thrilled because they’re always active…and me…
Do I dare say something else than: I am happy? But I am not… I admit it to myself. If I say it out loud something will happen. Something terrible, dangerous, something that can’t be fixed. I am afraid. Afraid of facing reality. Afraid of war. War against my master, my God, my Devil, my Loneliness.
I am too afraid, I don’t have the courage to line up with weapons like a positive mind, optimism, hope and joy. I am afraid of losing. If I loose my master will not be merciful. If I lose, it will torture me, throw me in a big dungeon, wrap me in sheets of disgrace, put me in heavier chains.
Oh, If only I had a little courage…. But yet again in lack of courage I fall into its warm and familiar embrace. I let it suck out my power…what’s left of it.
The Loneliness, it knows all my thoughts, it knows as good as you reading this I don’t have the courage to leave it. With or without a fight. IT knows everything… It knows I’m its eternal slave.
So in fact, this is not an ode…it was meant as an ode…but then these strange little thoughts came back, waking up the warrior in me and forcing me to riot in silence. An imaginary riot, but still….
Hush… I can hear it… my soul….screaming…..and screaming…then it gets so exhausted that the screaming turns into sobbing…silent crying …in the end it stops screaming…just because she is tired…and falls asleep… poor little one…but she doesn’t die…falls asleep… And whatever falls asleep wakes up again, and continue to scream…
The Loneliness loves the fact the soul is in pain…it observes these screaming incidents as if it was a comedy. It laughs and laughs and laughs.. and me? I am insignificant in this story. I am just a slave chained to the Loneliness. I am just a channel for the thoughts. They are having a dialogue through my brain.. I think…therefore I am not.
I don’t know for how long I’ll function as a voice for the Loneliness and these thoughts. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to listen to my soul screaming, feeling how the chains are getting tighter… the Loneliness choking me…HOW LONG?
I really don’t know. Maybe one day I’ve gathered courage to riot. Maybe one day I’ll be able to get all the weapons to go to war against my master. One day the sun is shining and the Loneliness forgets me for two second…. little time, but much can be done in so little time. Right? Maybe….only maybe…. but for now I have to return to my Loneliness….
I hear it calling for me…but maybe one day….