“Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too.
They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.”
I am a ghost. I am barely a shadow. I exist in a world surrounded by monsters and demons.
I am surrounded by sadness, madness, eternal tears and stormy clouds.
I don’t live, I only exist so that these monsters in my life can live their lives.
I have lost all hope, I don’t have any dreams.
Every day is like groundhog day, but no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to change anything.
Is this supposed to be life? Is this supposed to be a life worth living?
A life where you put on different masks trying to please the little monsters, a life where you constantly change so that others can stay the same.
Have I been made so that those little monsters can spit on me, shit on me, hurt me in every possible way and call me the one that is no good?
I am in this deep dark hole with no way out. No, this is not the first time, there have been many more. But every time I managed to find a way out, screaming, crawling through mud, climbing the highest mountains, swimming the widest rivers. This time I don’t have any strength. I lost it all during this never-ending war. A war where I am the weakest part, where I am fighting for the right to be myself, fighting for just a little respect for me as a human being.
I have reached a point where I am sick of being everything for these little monsters. I am sick of pretending to be something I am not so that they can live their pathetic lives thinking they don’t need to change. All these roles I play, these ugly masks which don’t fit me, all this to please the monsters who suck the life out of me, and in the end dare to say that they never needed me.
I am a ghost, I wander through life unseen. If I do good, nobody is there to notice, if I do something bad, I instantly become visible. I don’t have the right to make a mistake.
Yes, I have made a career of being a ghost. Almost 30 years I’ve been this invisible creature.
I fear that it will continue until the day I die. I don’t fear being alone or feeling lonely. I only fear of dying alone and forgotten by the monsters in my life. Yes, you can ask why I would even consider caring about being forgotten by the monsters and demons. Well, they were not born as monsters and demons. They all started as little angels; somewhere along the way something happened to them, they took the wrong turn and turned into the beings they are today.
I’ve done my best to help them become what they once were, but along the way I lost myself. In order to please everybody else in your life, you can’t be yourself all the time. Everybody is different, and so are the roles you play and the masks you have to wear. You lose your core. You lose everything you are and become a ghost able to transform into what others like to see.
The minute you show your real face; they are all gone. No goodbye, no questions, nothing. Just disappearing into thin air. If you ask them why; there is always an excuse. They all have the right to have an excuse but you don’t.
You waste a huge amount of energy living a life like this. When the day shift is over and you take of the mask(s), there is nothing left but to sleep. Sometimes all you do is sleep just to forget everything. While you sleep, while you disappear into a world of no dreams you lose time.
Either way you lose. You are a loser. You have lost yourself, you have lost a life. You have wasted a life.
Then you ask yourself; why was this life given to me if the meaning was to waste it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute….?