Meanwhile… in the land of Lost and Confused…

meanwhile

“While I work on my next post” she said 53 days ago… (my previous post)…
I fell out of the blogosphere as usual… It’s a tricky thing this inspiration, little bit like the lottery. You never know if or when you’re going to win…

Anyhow, these past few days weeks my thoughts have flown around in my head like a humming-bird on lsd.

I realised that after two years in my current job, I’ve had enough. No, I am not quitting, yet. I need an income to pay the bills and survive (considering the fact that Norway is one of the most expensive countries in the world).
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(photo: http://www.homeaway.ca)

Looking back all my jobs had one thing in common; working with people.  I thought for a long time that this was my calling. Working with people, helping them. Being a caretaker in a way…

The Norwegians have an expression “møte veggen”; directly translated it means meeting the wall, in English  I guess it would be “crash and burn” (or have a breakdown). So I’ve had a few of these, not ever realising what the real reason was. Few months ago I realized I was on the same path again.
Brick_wall_close-up_view

(photo: http://freestocktextures.com )

I was trying to find the reasons; bad habits like smoking, eating a lot of sweets, not enough exercise, forgetting my C-vitamins, the weather, the depression, the low temperature. Went to the doctor, everything was good. Went on a vacation and did nothing. I thought it was because it felt good doing nothing, I usually run around like a mad dog trying to see/experience/do/feel everything on vacations.  (Honestly, I also thought it was my age…)

But after a while I realised that I was so exhausted that I simply couldn’t move a muscle.

Got back to work after vacation thinking I had recharged my batteries and was ready for the next 9 – 10 months of work… After a week or so I am dead again.  Even my physiotherapist told me that I had the body of a 80-year-old woman.

So after having a typical Serbian ill-tempered reaction followed with tears at work, somebody suggested career counselling. I sent an email immediately and got an appointment the same week.

AND to my BIG surprise, and at the same time shame for not realising it myself; we came to a conclusion that I am an introvert. At that moment all the lights came on, like on a superstar concert when the show starts. Fireworks and lights and special effects… All the dots connected. Every single little piece in its right place. Understanding why I was exhausted every day I came back from work, why being dead tired after talking to several people for a longer time (longer than 30 min.) and so on…

Going to work every single day imagining I was going to an archive room where I could file papers 8 hours a day and go home happy.

So I started reading about being introvert, I found an article on www.psychologytoday.com

1. You enjoy having time to yourself. TRUE
2. Your best thinking occurs when you’re by yourself. DEFINITELY TRUE
3. You lead best when others are self-starters. WELL, NOT A FAN OF LEADING, BUT IF NEEDED TRUE.
4. You’re the last to raise your hand when someone asks for something from a group. TRUE
5. Other people ask you your opinion. TRUE
6. You often wear headphones when you’re in a public situation. ALMOST ALWAYS.
7. You prefer not to engage with people who seem angry or upset. TRUE AND FALSE. DEPENDING ON MY MOOD :)
8. You receive more calls, texts, and emails than you make, unless you have no choice. FALSE
9. You don’t initiate small talk with salespeople or others with whom you have casual contact. TRUE

So after years of having jobs dealing with people, seeking similar jobs because I was convinced I was meant to do this kind of work, it only took about 30 minutes of talk to realise that all those years were like thrown away. I get a job, I do it well and I get bored. But I don’t quit until I am fired or there is no need for me.
And it is so great finally figuring out which way to go, concentrating on finding a job to like and not get sick every morning thinking : “Oh God, another day doing that”.
Not only my work situation, but also my personal life. For a while I thought I was losing my mind, not being able to understand why I’ve turned 180 degrees. Not wanting to go out, to parties, movies, getting anxiety attack when surrounded by a lot of people, being stuck in small spaces with a lot of people and so on..
Now I feel I can just be myself. I don’t have to pretend anymore, I don’t have to wear a mask to please other people. I can be myself with a good conscience. And be content.

It takes time getting to know and understand yourself, but when you do, the feeling is just wonderful.
I enjoy my moments of solitude. Some people think that it makes me a lonely person. Yes, I am alone and lonely sometimes but it’s ok. I’ve come to terms with that. I have stuff to do (I’ve thrown away the TV so… you get the picture). I like taking walks for hours just wandering around, listening to music, taking pictures and so on… It’s ok. It’s my life. I am living it the best way I can.

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(photo: http://quotesgram.com )

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