We cannot solve…

…our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.

Albert Einstein


Yes, I am a fan of quotes. Sometimes I just need another person to put my thoughts into words… And yes, I’ve thought a lot lately, I guess there is some processing going on in my mind… You know, when you are at a crossover in your life (in my case crossing over from 39 to 40). I guess it is a good thing. You have to think, rethink and so on to move further in life, no matter which direction it takes you.

Today a word just blew up in my face. L O V E.

Remember that one? I don’t. To be more precise I was thinking about being in love and I just couldn’t remember the last time that happened. You remember the first time you fell in love as a child? That was such a sweet feeling, but falling in love as an adult… of course you feel it differently.  Read the Alchemist by Paulo Coelho at the age of 15, 25, 35 and so on and you will comprehend it in different ways as well…

But that first adult being in love feeling… I can’t remember all the details, but it’s like a warm shadow following you through your life. You can’t get rid of it. Sometimes it disappears when there is a clear sky or when it’s completely dark in your life. Other times you can just sense its presence.

As a former fan of the tv show Sex and the city I remember something Carrie said about love:

““I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.’” Yeah!

That is the feeling. As hard as I try I can’t recall having those feelings. I just wish I could feel only 1% of those times I had been in love. So warm and fuzzy, and the butterflies in your stomach, the sun always shining, waking up and going to bed with a smile on your face, every single love song is about you…

But these days  past few years it has been cold and dark and a combination of tornadoes, hurricanes and every other natural disaster you can name.

A friend told me recently, after I had an emotional breakdown and telling her that I am dead inside (you know, turning 40, not having family and so on…the big L of society printed on my forehead):

” You have to wake up all those beautiful things that fell asleep inside of you, don’t forget to breathe. All smart and creative people are usually misunderstood and sad. You are full of love and you have to find it, not suffocate it.”

She is a smart cookie that one, no wonder we’ve been friends for 30 years :)

But I don’t know, I really don’t know how to open my heart or whether there is something left there for future visitors. I guess I always have this fear that whoever I open my heart to; they will enter it, cut it from inside and leave. And yet again I am left with patching it all up. And I am not getting younger nor stronger.

Even though my thoughts are primarily dark there is always that little (stupid) ray of light that doesn’t let me wallow in the mud. And I get annoyed most of the time. WHY? Why don’t you just let me be, let me sink in that deep, dark hole. Let me just vanish. But it won’t. That little ray of light and love is there, faithful and loyal and happy and optimistic and shiny…

It just doesn’t let me fall.


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