I tell you I live in Norway, you imagine a white Christmas with snowflakes slowly falling down (like in fairy tales or this page), fresh air, lots of green trees covered in snow, people skiing, kids making angels in the snow and so on…
BUT, and I am truly sorry for messing up your fantasy, the only white thing is my pale skin. :) It is a grey and windy Christmas up here.
Todays photo challenge is about capturing the now. The current, the present… Well, here’s my now.
I took a long walk today, forced myself to do it, because I realised that I am turning into a cocoon. Time is running up (speaking in terms of my lifetime, actually what’s left of it, probably some 30 years or so) and I can’t keep spending it under the blanket with zillions tea cups and candles as only source of light.
This cocoon feeling is not recent, it has lurked under my top lock for the past year, but I have kind of pretended it’s not there. I was thinking that my silly brain was playing with me. But it hasn’t. My so-called seasonal depression got upgraded to a whole year depression (whole life sounds better). Along with the upgrade came a special gift. Oh mine, two in one..lucky me.. Anxiety.
So, this year, double trouble. Yet again I try to get rid of the precious D&A by walking it off. You know, nature, fresh air, clean up the mess in my head, release the pressure…Challenge myself, kill my inner demons… you know the drill. So today on my 5,67 km long walk I took a picture of some shadows on the wall, because they reminded me of me. A song popped up in my head. Maybe you’ve heard it: “Remain nameless” by Florence and The Machine.
The song starts with the words: “I was born in a big grey cloud”… I thought to myself that I too was born in a big grey cloud, and I am still in that cloud… Did I ever get out? Was there any period of my life like a clear blue sky? I am sure it was, but you know those grey clouds kill all the light together with the memories of any ray of light.
So the song goes on, and she sings: “I wish to remain nameless”…
Yet again, the words are like a musical hammer hitting my brain… I wish to remain nameless, I wish to stay in the shadows, hidden… Sometimes you can sense my presence, those are the moments I am screaming like a lunatic, but most of the time I feel invisible. I bow my head, I hide from the world, I hide from myself, I hate the mirrors, I hate the world, I am scared of my own shadow…
I walk a little further and I come across this:
It is quite windy by the way and these little birds are flying like crazy to rest on this tree. There are a few stronger than other and they are already on the tree, then there is another group fighting against the wind a little more.
I am standing on the street across this beautiful scene and I am hypnotised by this. I just can’t walk any further because there is one little bird left fighting like crazy to find its place among the others. I can’t move a muscle, all I want is to fly up there and help the bird, but I can’t…
After a few minutes of fighting the mighty wind, the little bird is finally on the tree. It has won. It won against all odds.
I look at them a few more seconds and start walking. With pride and joy and happiness for the little bird. Feeling relieved. Feeling hope. Feeling that one day I can be that little bird.
Wishing you all a Merry Christmas wherever you are, whether you are alone or with family :)