My biggest little heart.

So, let me start by saying I am not a parent nor am I planning to become one. This post is dedicated to the love of my life.

It all started a year and approximately 9 months ago when my brother told me his girlfriend was pregnant. Of course we didn’t know that early whether it was gonna be a girl or a boy. To me it didn’t matter, I was going to be an aunt. What an honour! I thought of my aunt who was 16 when I was born and I turned 40 the year my niece was born.

Every time I went to the shopping mall I had to make a stop at the baby shop, trying to find neutral colors, neither blue nor pink. Well, in my opinion why shouldn’t a boy wear pink and a girl blue?! It started with a funny giraffe, continued with the softest bunny slippers in the world, a piece of clothing (can they make them smaller??) here and there, tiniest Converse sneakers and so it continued and trust me, I don’t think it’s ever going to stop.

Time went by, someones belly got bigger and bigger AND bigger… One false alarm, and then all of a sudden one morning in June last summer,  I woke up early and there was a bunch of pictures of a tiny and wrinkled little person on my phone. By the way that   didn’t stop either, my phone keeps warning me to empty the storage all the time.

We went to the hospital (and of course I got lost along the way!!) and that first moment when I laid my eyes on her; I really don’t know how to describe it. My knees got shaky,  eyes teary… You know the deal.

I have to say that I am petrified of holding babies younger than 6 months and that day I had to face my fears and hold a few hours old baby and I was SO scared. I kept thinking: am I holding her right, what if something happens (never mind the fact that both her parents and my parents were in the same room)…

She had her first birthday last week, I don’t know why time flies around babies and toddlers, I really don’t.  We celebrated her birthday in Serbia as well as her baptism few days ago. Today I spent the whole day with her and when I took her back to her parents and went home, there was suddenly this huge hole in my heart. And it happens every time she comes to visit and goes back home.

Every time I see her the, hole disappears. I honestly never imagined loving someone that much.  And I am sure that it is visible from the moon.

My friends have different opinions on me being 41 and not having a child. One still has hope that I will have a child one day, give birth or adopt, another one understands that being single and raising a child is not an option for me, and then we have the one that understands that I have come to terms with a life without a child. Widening the circle gets me a whole lot of opinions, but they are their opinions.

I salute women deciding to get a child my age and I salute the ones deciding not to have a child. We have to respect the fact that we are all different and regarding this issue we will have different opinions. When you come to terms with living your life without a child in it, that’s it. I am not changing that. Anyhow, this post wasnt about my life.

I feel like all the love I have in my heart has been piling up all these years to be given to her.

The depression, the anxiety, the family issues, the constant stress, shitty day at work, shitty days in life in general, it all disappears when she looks at me and raises her little arms. It is like the whole world disappears when I am with her, all the bad things are not existent. The smile, the laughter, the crying, the look in her eyes… it is something unexplained but real and day by day it makes my heart grow bigger. It patches up the holes in my heart, it heals all that is damaged in me and all the scars are slowly disappearing.

I have been watching her grow a whole year, seen all the changes, imagining what she will look like in a few months, in a few years, as an adult. Asking so many questions; what kind of personality will she have, what kind of eye color, what will she become when she grows up… This tiny little person will one day become an adult like me. Will I do my due diligence as an aunt? How can I learn her to become whatever she wants to become? What is my role in her life? So many questions, but I just have to let her and time lead us on our path.

The only thing I know for is that she IS the love of my life and that will never change.



Spur of the moment

[spur-uh v-th uh-moh-muh nt]

While standing outside and smoking a few words just flew through my mind and I kept repeating them over and over again… And they all lead to this, well I don’t know what it is, a short poem? Go figure… :) Anyhow, here u go, interpret it as you wish.



Winter it is.

These past few weeks we have had temperatures up to (or down to) – 20°C. This morning it was – 17. But the sun was shining and it all looked so beautiful that it would be a pity not to take a walk. What are Sundays for anyway? :)

So here you go, some photos from the longest and coldest walk this year.

















Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to take that special photo :)


And the best way to end it all is with a nice and warm cup of tea (with some wise words).


Korketrekkeren, Oslo, Norway

Last Friday morning I got a call from my brother telling me not to plan anything for Saturday. “Why?” I ask him, “We are going to Korketrekkeren”. And my answer is this: “Oh no, I can’t, blah blah, my anxiety, blah blah, so tired, blah blah.” We end our conversation, I go to work and the first thing I do is look up “Korketrekkeren” online.
5 minutes later I am sending my brother a text: “Let’s go”.

I promised to challenge myself as much as possible, do things I usually don’t do, get more out of the house, and this was one of my first steps this year.

And Saturday evening I was so happy I changed my mind.

Korketrekkeren translated to English means “the cork screw”.

(The following text is from the website: Korketrekkeren)

“Oslo’s most popular toboggan run starts at Frognerseteren and ends at Midtstuen metro station. At the end of a run, you can catch the metro back up to Frognerseteren for another run.

Korktrekkeren is 2000 metres long, and the elevation drop is 255 metres. One non-stop ride takes 8-10 minutes. The metro from Midtstuen to Frognerseteren takes 13 minutes.

Riding in Korketrekkeren is free, but sled rental costs NOK 80-100 per day.
Korketrekkeren is open when there is enough snow in the area. Webcam and updated information (in Norwegian) at

Sleds for rent (Akeforeningen) next to Frognerseteren Restaurant, at the bottom of the hill from the Frognerseteren metro stop.”

Saturday morning I got up, put on several kilos of clothes and off we went. When we arrived, the parking lot was full of cars and a lot of people.
We brought two pairs of sleds but later they proved to be of very little use. We rented two more, one family sled and one… I named it the “Red Dragon no.96”


I have to admit I was terrified at the top. Not knowing what it looks like on the way down, will I be able to stop and so on…. So I played it safe and came down last :)

The second time down, I went for the red sled we rented and… Well, to be perfectly honest it’s the best thing I have done in a really really long time. I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun.

The ride down can’t be explained, you really have to do it yourself to know what I am talking about. It was like I had no fear, no brakes, no barriers, nothing! Just me, the red sled and oh mine, the speed.

There were a few crashes during the day, bruises and so on, but so worth it. One time we went off the metro one station before the one we were supposed to. The good thing was that we only had to wait for ten minutes.

Here you go, full action movie (famous 15 Instagram seconds): Miz Roket and the Red Dragon no.96

I was so mad that I had to stop not to crash into the person in front of me…



On the top is Frognerseteren restaurant and café. The building itself is really beautiful with a history.






Unfortunately I did not bring my camera, so there are very few photos taken with my phone. Imagine being outside several hours, coming in and you face a huge fireplace, smell of great food…mmm… I went for the cocoa with cream and something sweet. I think I deserved it :)


On the website you can see some wonderful photos of the building, both historical and current.


If you are ever in Oslo during winter, do visit. Just let go, have fun and you will have the time of your life.

We were back home in the late afternoon, dead tired but full of excitement. I slept like a baby that night. Sometimes I wish every day could be like that.







Wishing you all a lovely Sunday evening :)


So, you know these spam comments you get? I guess most of you delete them without even taking a look, but my curiosity is…well… it killed a famous cat so…

I took a look today and found 4 of them.

One of them wanted to share my blog with their Facebook group. Because believe it or not people!!!! there’s a lot of folk that would really enjoy the content of my blog.

Well… Photos, occasional posts about my dark days… really REALLY enjoyable…

The second one is thanking their father who informed them regarding my webpage. AND they found it genuinely remarkable… Well, many thanks to your dad :D

The third one is the classical link to a site about SEO and Panda. I do find Pandas adorable but not in this context.

Finally, the fourth one (I counted!) has 2841 words, 21 509 letters/signs. WOW!  The best of all it is like a synonym dictionary.

I don’t know how to describe it…it is like a template for spam mail.

Each sentence has various choices, you just pick the one that fits the best in the context.

I am not going to copy the whole thing, but here you have some examples:

Way cool! Some {very|extremely} valid points! I appreciate you {writing this|penning this} {article|post|write-up} {and the|and also the|plus the} rest of the {site is|website is} {also very|extremely|very|also really|really} good.

{Howdy|Hi there|Hey there|Hi|Hello|Hey}! Someone in my {Myspace|Facebook} group shared this {site|website} with us so I came to {give it a look|look it over|take a look|check it out}.

There u go, if you ever find yourself missing that special word, just take a look at your spam comments. You will never know what you can find there.

Wishing you all a lovely day from this sunforsaken place (-8 currently) with a song :)


Goodbye & Hello.

Goodbye 2015 and hello 2016.

To some of us 2015 was a wonderful year and to some other 2015 was an awful year. Those who had a great 2015 can’t wait for an even better 2016 and those who had an awful 2015 are hoping for just a little improvement in the next year.

We are all different, we all have different perspectives on life. But two things we all have in common; we are all people and we are all stepping over to another year in our life.
31st of December is the moment when all differences between us are erased.

First of all I would like to thank all you wonderful people for visiting, commenting and following. I might not have the loudest voice or much to say, but thankfully to you all I feel heard. You make me feel visible. I am grateful.

Second; I wish you all the best in the next year.
I wish you good health, mental and physical, I wish you love, happiness and a little bit of luck. Whatever wishes or dreams you may have, I hope that they all come true in the next year.

Happy New Year from me :)

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Weekly Photo Challenge: Now (with words)

NOW contributions at The Daily Post

I tell you I live in Norway, you imagine a white Christmas with snowflakes slowly falling down (like in fairy tales or this page), fresh air, lots of green trees covered in snow, people skiing, kids making angels in the snow and so on…
BUT, and I am truly sorry for messing up your fantasy, the only white thing is my pale skin. :) It is a grey and windy Christmas up here.

Todays photo challenge is about capturing the now. The current, the present… Well, here’s my now.


I took a long walk today, forced myself to do it, because I realised that I am turning into a cocoon. Time is running up (speaking in terms of my lifetime, actually what’s left of it, probably some 30 years or so) and I can’t keep spending it under the blanket with zillions tea cups and candles as only source of light.

This cocoon feeling is not recent, it has lurked under my top lock for the past year, but I have kind of pretended it’s not there. I was thinking that my silly brain was playing with me. But it hasn’t. My so-called seasonal depression got upgraded to a whole year depression (whole life sounds better). Along with the upgrade came a special gift. Oh mine, two in one..lucky me.. Anxiety.

So, this year, double trouble. Yet again I try to get rid of the precious D&A by walking it off. You know, nature, fresh air, clean up the mess in my head, release the pressure…Challenge myself, kill my inner demons… you know the drill. So today on my 5,67 km long walk I took a picture of some shadows on the wall, because they reminded me of me. A song popped up in my head. Maybe you’ve heard it: “Remain nameless” by Florence and The Machine.

The song starts with the words: “I was born in a big grey cloud”… I thought to myself that I too was born in a big grey cloud, and I am still in that cloud… Did I ever get out? Was there any period of my life like a clear blue sky? I am sure it was, but you know those grey clouds kill all the light together with the memories of any ray of light.

So the song goes on, and she sings: “I wish to remain nameless”…
Yet again, the words are like a musical hammer hitting my brain… I wish to remain nameless, I wish to stay in the shadows, hidden… Sometimes you can sense my presence, those are the moments I am screaming like a lunatic, but most of the time I feel invisible. I bow my head, I hide from the world, I hide from myself, I hate the mirrors, I hate the world, I am scared of my own shadow…

I walk a little further and I come across this:



It is quite windy by the way and these little birds are flying like crazy to rest on this tree. There are a few stronger than other and they are already on the tree, then there is another group fighting against the wind a little more.

I am standing on the street across this beautiful scene and I am hypnotised by this. I just can’t walk any further because there is one little bird left fighting like crazy to find its place among the others. I can’t move a muscle, all I want is to fly up there and help the bird, but I can’t…

After a few minutes of fighting the mighty wind, the little bird is finally on the tree. It has won. It won against all odds.
I look at them a few more seconds and start walking. With pride and joy and happiness for the little bird. Feeling relieved. Feeling hope. Feeling that one day I can be that little bird.

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas wherever you are, whether you are alone or with family :)