My biggest little heart.

So, let me start by saying I am not a parent nor am I planning to become one. This post is dedicated to the love of my life.

It all started a year and approximately 9 months ago when my brother told me his girlfriend was pregnant. Of course we didn’t know that early whether it was gonna be a girl or a boy. To me it didn’t matter, I was going to be an aunt. What an honour! I thought of my aunt who was 16 when I was born and I turned 40 the year my niece was born.

Every time I went to the shopping mall I had to make a stop at the baby shop, trying to find neutral colors, neither blue nor pink. Well, in my opinion why shouldn’t a boy wear pink and a girl blue?! It started with a funny giraffe, continued with the softest bunny slippers in the world, a piece of clothing (can they make them smaller??) here and there, tiniest Converse sneakers and so it continued and trust me, I don’t think it’s ever going to stop.

Time went by, someones belly got bigger and bigger AND bigger… One false alarm, and then all of a sudden one morning in June last summer,  I woke up early and there was a bunch of pictures of a tiny and wrinkled little person on my phone. By the way that   didn’t stop either, my phone keeps warning me to empty the storage all the time.

We went to the hospital (and of course I got lost along the way!!) and that first moment when I laid my eyes on her; I really don’t know how to describe it. My knees got shaky,  eyes teary… You know the deal.

I have to say that I am petrified of holding babies younger than 6 months and that day I had to face my fears and hold a few hours old baby and I was SO scared. I kept thinking: am I holding her right, what if something happens (never mind the fact that both her parents and my parents were in the same room)…

She had her first birthday last week, I don’t know why time flies around babies and toddlers, I really don’t.  We celebrated her birthday in Serbia as well as her baptism few days ago. Today I spent the whole day with her and when I took her back to her parents and went home, there was suddenly this huge hole in my heart. And it happens every time she comes to visit and goes back home.

Every time I see her the, hole disappears. I honestly never imagined loving someone that much.  And I am sure that it is visible from the moon.

My friends have different opinions on me being 41 and not having a child. One still has hope that I will have a child one day, give birth or adopt, another one understands that being single and raising a child is not an option for me, and then we have the one that understands that I have come to terms with a life without a child. Widening the circle gets me a whole lot of opinions, but they are their opinions.

I salute women deciding to get a child my age and I salute the ones deciding not to have a child. We have to respect the fact that we are all different and regarding this issue we will have different opinions. When you come to terms with living your life without a child in it, that’s it. I am not changing that. Anyhow, this post wasnt about my life.

I feel like all the love I have in my heart has been piling up all these years to be given to her.

The depression, the anxiety, the family issues, the constant stress, shitty day at work, shitty days in life in general, it all disappears when she looks at me and raises her little arms. It is like the whole world disappears when I am with her, all the bad things are not existent. The smile, the laughter, the crying, the look in her eyes… it is something unexplained but real and day by day it makes my heart grow bigger. It patches up the holes in my heart, it heals all that is damaged in me and all the scars are slowly disappearing.

I have been watching her grow a whole year, seen all the changes, imagining what she will look like in a few months, in a few years, as an adult. Asking so many questions; what kind of personality will she have, what kind of eye color, what will she become when she grows up… This tiny little person will one day become an adult like me. Will I do my due diligence as an aunt? How can I learn her to become whatever she wants to become? What is my role in her life? So many questions, but I just have to let her and time lead us on our path.

The only thing I know for is that she IS the love of my life and that will never change.

A<3

love

Spur of the moment

[spur-uh v-th uh-moh-muh nt]

While standing outside and smoking a few words just flew through my mind and I kept repeating them over and over again… And they all lead to this, well I don’t know what it is, a short poem? Go figure… :) Anyhow, here u go, interpret it as you wish.

WATCH ME MOMMY,
WATCH ME,
WATCH ME FLY
WATCH ME FLY HIGH
ABOVE THE SKY.

WATCH ME MOMMY,
WATCH ME,
WATCH ME DIE
WATCH ME SLOWLY DIE
WATCH ME FALL FROM THE SKY.

Spaaaaam!

So, you know these spam comments you get? I guess most of you delete them without even taking a look, but my curiosity is…well… it killed a famous cat so…

I took a look today and found 4 of them.

One of them wanted to share my blog with their Facebook group. Because believe it or not people!!!! there’s a lot of folk that would really enjoy the content of my blog.

Well… Photos, occasional posts about my dark days… really REALLY enjoyable…

The second one is thanking their father who informed them regarding my webpage. AND they found it genuinely remarkable… Well, many thanks to your dad :D

The third one is the classical link to a site about SEO and Panda. I do find Pandas adorable but not in this context.

Finally, the fourth one (I counted!) has 2841 words, 21 509 letters/signs. WOW!  The best of all it is like a synonym dictionary.

I don’t know how to describe it…it is like a template for spam mail.

Each sentence has various choices, you just pick the one that fits the best in the context.

I am not going to copy the whole thing, but here you have some examples:

Way cool! Some {very|extremely} valid points! I appreciate you {writing this|penning this} {article|post|write-up} {and the|and also the|plus the} rest of the {site is|website is} {also very|extremely|very|also really|really} good.

{Howdy|Hi there|Hey there|Hi|Hello|Hey}! Someone in my {Myspace|Facebook} group shared this {site|website} with us so I came to {give it a look|look it over|take a look|check it out}.

There u go, if you ever find yourself missing that special word, just take a look at your spam comments. You will never know what you can find there.

Wishing you all a lovely day from this sunforsaken place (-8 currently) with a song :)

 

Goodbye & Hello.

Goodbye 2015 and hello 2016.

To some of us 2015 was a wonderful year and to some other 2015 was an awful year. Those who had a great 2015 can’t wait for an even better 2016 and those who had an awful 2015 are hoping for just a little improvement in the next year.

We are all different, we all have different perspectives on life. But two things we all have in common; we are all people and we are all stepping over to another year in our life.
31st of December is the moment when all differences between us are erased.

First of all I would like to thank all you wonderful people for visiting, commenting and following. I might not have the loudest voice or much to say, but thankfully to you all I feel heard. You make me feel visible. I am grateful.

Second; I wish you all the best in the next year.
I wish you good health, mental and physical, I wish you love, happiness and a little bit of luck. Whatever wishes or dreams you may have, I hope that they all come true in the next year.

Happy New Year from me :)

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

We cannot solve…

…our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.

Albert Einstein

shadows

Yes, I am a fan of quotes. Sometimes I just need another person to put my thoughts into words… And yes, I’ve thought a lot lately, I guess there is some processing going on in my mind… You know, when you are at a crossover in your life (in my case crossing over from 39 to 40). I guess it is a good thing. You have to think, rethink and so on to move further in life, no matter which direction it takes you.

Today a word just blew up in my face. L O V E.

Remember that one? I don’t. To be more precise I was thinking about being in love and I just couldn’t remember the last time that happened. You remember the first time you fell in love as a child? That was such a sweet feeling, but falling in love as an adult… of course you feel it differently.  Read the Alchemist by Paulo Coelho at the age of 15, 25, 35 and so on and you will comprehend it in different ways as well…

But that first adult being in love feeling… I can’t remember all the details, but it’s like a warm shadow following you through your life. You can’t get rid of it. Sometimes it disappears when there is a clear sky or when it’s completely dark in your life. Other times you can just sense its presence.

As a former fan of the tv show Sex and the city I remember something Carrie said about love:

““I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.’” Yeah!

That is the feeling. As hard as I try I can’t recall having those feelings. I just wish I could feel only 1% of those times I had been in love. So warm and fuzzy, and the butterflies in your stomach, the sun always shining, waking up and going to bed with a smile on your face, every single love song is about you…

But these days  past few years it has been cold and dark and a combination of tornadoes, hurricanes and every other natural disaster you can name.

A friend told me recently, after I had an emotional breakdown and telling her that I am dead inside (you know, turning 40, not having family and so on…the big L of society printed on my forehead):

” You have to wake up all those beautiful things that fell asleep inside of you, don’t forget to breathe. All smart and creative people are usually misunderstood and sad. You are full of love and you have to find it, not suffocate it.”

She is a smart cookie that one, no wonder we’ve been friends for 30 years :)

But I don’t know, I really don’t know how to open my heart or whether there is something left there for future visitors. I guess I always have this fear that whoever I open my heart to; they will enter it, cut it from inside and leave. And yet again I am left with patching it all up. And I am not getting younger nor stronger.

Even though my thoughts are primarily dark there is always that little (stupid) ray of light that doesn’t let me wallow in the mud. And I get annoyed most of the time. WHY? Why don’t you just let me be, let me sink in that deep, dark hole. Let me just vanish. But it won’t. That little ray of light and love is there, faithful and loyal and happy and optimistic and shiny…

It just doesn’t let me fall.

Meanwhile… in the land of Lost and Confused…

meanwhile

“While I work on my next post” she said 53 days ago… (my previous post)…
I fell out of the blogosphere as usual… It’s a tricky thing this inspiration, little bit like the lottery. You never know if or when you’re going to win…

Anyhow, these past few days weeks my thoughts have flown around in my head like a humming-bird on lsd.

I realised that after two years in my current job, I’ve had enough. No, I am not quitting, yet. I need an income to pay the bills and survive (considering the fact that Norway is one of the most expensive countries in the world).
a
(photo: http://www.homeaway.ca)

Looking back all my jobs had one thing in common; working with people.  I thought for a long time that this was my calling. Working with people, helping them. Being a caretaker in a way…

The Norwegians have an expression “møte veggen”; directly translated it means meeting the wall, in English  I guess it would be “crash and burn” (or have a breakdown). So I’ve had a few of these, not ever realising what the real reason was. Few months ago I realized I was on the same path again.
Brick_wall_close-up_view

(photo: http://freestocktextures.com )

I was trying to find the reasons; bad habits like smoking, eating a lot of sweets, not enough exercise, forgetting my C-vitamins, the weather, the depression, the low temperature. Went to the doctor, everything was good. Went on a vacation and did nothing. I thought it was because it felt good doing nothing, I usually run around like a mad dog trying to see/experience/do/feel everything on vacations.  (Honestly, I also thought it was my age…)

But after a while I realised that I was so exhausted that I simply couldn’t move a muscle.

Got back to work after vacation thinking I had recharged my batteries and was ready for the next 9 – 10 months of work… After a week or so I am dead again.  Even my physiotherapist told me that I had the body of a 80-year-old woman.

So after having a typical Serbian ill-tempered reaction followed with tears at work, somebody suggested career counselling. I sent an email immediately and got an appointment the same week.

AND to my BIG surprise, and at the same time shame for not realising it myself; we came to a conclusion that I am an introvert. At that moment all the lights came on, like on a superstar concert when the show starts. Fireworks and lights and special effects… All the dots connected. Every single little piece in its right place. Understanding why I was exhausted every day I came back from work, why being dead tired after talking to several people for a longer time (longer than 30 min.) and so on…

Going to work every single day imagining I was going to an archive room where I could file papers 8 hours a day and go home happy.

So I started reading about being introvert, I found an article on www.psychologytoday.com

1. You enjoy having time to yourself. TRUE
2. Your best thinking occurs when you’re by yourself. DEFINITELY TRUE
3. You lead best when others are self-starters. WELL, NOT A FAN OF LEADING, BUT IF NEEDED TRUE.
4. You’re the last to raise your hand when someone asks for something from a group. TRUE
5. Other people ask you your opinion. TRUE
6. You often wear headphones when you’re in a public situation. ALMOST ALWAYS.
7. You prefer not to engage with people who seem angry or upset. TRUE AND FALSE. DEPENDING ON MY MOOD :)
8. You receive more calls, texts, and emails than you make, unless you have no choice. FALSE
9. You don’t initiate small talk with salespeople or others with whom you have casual contact. TRUE

So after years of having jobs dealing with people, seeking similar jobs because I was convinced I was meant to do this kind of work, it only took about 30 minutes of talk to realise that all those years were like thrown away. I get a job, I do it well and I get bored. But I don’t quit until I am fired or there is no need for me.
And it is so great finally figuring out which way to go, concentrating on finding a job to like and not get sick every morning thinking : “Oh God, another day doing that”.
Not only my work situation, but also my personal life. For a while I thought I was losing my mind, not being able to understand why I’ve turned 180 degrees. Not wanting to go out, to parties, movies, getting anxiety attack when surrounded by a lot of people, being stuck in small spaces with a lot of people and so on..
Now I feel I can just be myself. I don’t have to pretend anymore, I don’t have to wear a mask to please other people. I can be myself with a good conscience. And be content.

It takes time getting to know and understand yourself, but when you do, the feeling is just wonderful.
I enjoy my moments of solitude. Some people think that it makes me a lonely person. Yes, I am alone and lonely sometimes but it’s ok. I’ve come to terms with that. I have stuff to do (I’ve thrown away the TV so… you get the picture). I like taking walks for hours just wandering around, listening to music, taking pictures and so on… It’s ok. It’s my life. I am living it the best way I can.

bc0132eee66736c2181d389460cc3826

(photo: http://quotesgram.com )

While I work…

on my next post…

Please take a look at this blog  Lettersfromhelen.

A dear childhood friend of mine decided to join the wonderful world of WordPress.

Still a novice here and I know she would be grateful for visits and comments. A very creative person who recently discovered the world of decoupage. She also has a store at Etsy.com

Unique and wonderful products.

Her blog is both in Serbian and English . She has written a lot of travelogues as well as photography.

Thank you for your attention.

Wishing you a lovely day wherever you are (’cause here it’s currently 30 plus degrees :)

Sharing is caring :)

Ghost.

“Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too.
They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.”

Stephen King

ghost

I am a ghost. I am barely a shadow. I exist in a world surrounded by monsters and demons.
I am surrounded by sadness, madness, eternal tears and stormy clouds.
I don’t live, I only exist so that these monsters in my life can live their lives.
I have lost all hope, I don’t have any dreams.
Every day is like groundhog day, but no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to change anything.

Is this supposed to be life? Is this supposed to be a life worth  living?

A life where you put on different masks trying to please the little monsters, a life where you constantly change so that others can stay the same.
Have I been made so that those little monsters can spit on me, shit on me, hurt me in every possible way and call me the one that is no good?

I am in this deep dark hole with no way out. No, this is not the first time, there have been many more. But every time I managed to find a way out, screaming, crawling through mud, climbing the highest mountains, swimming the widest rivers. This time I don’t have any strength. I lost it all during this never-ending war. A war where I am the weakest part, where I am fighting for the right to be myself, fighting for just a little respect for me as a human being.

I have reached a point where I am sick of being everything for these little monsters. I am sick of pretending to be something I am not so that they can live their pathetic lives thinking they don’t need to change. All these roles I play, these ugly masks which don’t fit me, all this to please the monsters who suck the life out of me, and in the end dare to say that they never needed me.

I am a ghost, I wander through life unseen. If I do good, nobody is there to notice, if I do something bad, I instantly become visible. I don’t have the right to make a mistake.

Yes, I have made a career of being a ghost. Almost 30 years I’ve been this invisible creature.
I fear that it will continue until the day I die. I don’t fear being alone or feeling lonely. I only fear of dying alone and forgotten by the monsters in my life. Yes, you can ask why I would even consider caring about being forgotten by the monsters and demons. Well, they were not born as monsters and demons. They all started as little angels; somewhere along the way something happened to them, they took the wrong turn and turned into the beings they are today.

I’ve done my best to help them become what they once were, but along the way I lost myself. In order to please everybody else in your life, you can’t be yourself all the time. Everybody is different, and so are the roles you play and the masks you have to wear. You lose your core. You lose everything you are and become a ghost able to transform into what others like to see.
The minute you show your real face; they are all gone. No goodbye, no questions, nothing. Just disappearing into thin air. If you ask them why; there is always an excuse. They all have the right to have an excuse but you don’t.

You waste a huge amount of energy living a life like this. When the day shift is over and you take of the mask(s), there is nothing left but to sleep. Sometimes all you do is sleep just to forget everything. While you sleep, while you disappear into a world of no dreams you lose time.
Either way you lose. You are a loser. You have lost yourself, you have lost a life. You have wasted a life.

Then you ask yourself; why was this life given to me if the meaning was to waste it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute….?

freedom

Happy New Year!

Dear fellow bloggers, just dropping by to wish you all a happy new 2015 with a few simple words by Ralph Waldo Emerson:

Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.

It might have been.

There comes a point in our lives when we realise certain things.

I´ve had a lot of those and at the very moment thinking this is it. This is the right decision. Then some time passes and again I realise that´s not it. And all these mind changing moments happen because we are human, we make mistakes, we make decisions based on gut feelings, on previous experiences in our lives, on fear and so on.

In that certain moment you are so sure that you have made the right decision. Some people say you should never regret what you have done, only what you haven´t.  They say you should not regret anything because you always do what you think is best at the time. And who would with purpose make a bad decision? Well, everybody! We´re quite capable of making a bad decision with purpose for so many reasons.

I agree it is a waste of time regretting and punishing ourselves for what happened. But sometimes you just can´t let go. What if in that very moment years ago when you thought this was the right decision and you acted out of fear? Fear of the unknown, fear of the new. Then years later you realise that the decision wasn’t the right one and you regret it because you didn’t jump into something new?

What are you supposed to do? Jump into the time machine and travel back? Oh no, you can’t do that. Everybody wishes they had a time machine. My driving instructor says something really simple when I make a mistake while driving: “ok, now we passed that tunnel, you made that mistake, but it´s history now”. Yes, simple as that. I try to use this simple philosophy as much as I can, but sometimes it´s hard.

There are moments, places, music, colors that remind me of my history. Some of it I simply just can’t let go. The never-ending question “what if”? But there is also a risk involved if you don’t know what you really want and if you choose to go back to a certain moment; catch up with that certain moment still feeling insecure that you´ll make the same decision and drag everybody around you into the big black hole.

So I move on with my life, with some regrets of what I´ve done, most of what I haven´t but maybe I´ll learn one day not to do that.

“Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, “It might have been.” 

What if...

 

An ode to my loneliness

I think therefore i am. In my case it is “I think, therefore I am not”
Why these thoughts? Why such a reformulation? Why an ode to my Loneliness. For what is an ode but a poem expressing noble thoughts about something or somebody, celebration of something special.
Then you ask yourself the question, is loneliness something to celebrate, is it noble? Can you say anything positive about loneliness. The answers I do not have. The Loneliness is something I’m a part of, thoughts always come tagging along after the Loneliness. The one can’t live without the other.

I don’t recall how long ago Loneliness and I got to know each other. But it feels like an eternity. I’m sitting in my room, well my fort actually looking at my reflection in the window.
Suddenly I realise I don’t recognise that person staring at me. I try to look into the eyes of this unknown person and the only thing I see is fear and hopelessness.

Heavy thoughts cutting from the inside, thoughts leading you deep into the hell hole.
Slowly but safely with time, I’ve been wrapped into the silky sheets of Loneliness. It’s been in hiding and waiting for me, for my thoughts. Looking forward to conquer the mind of a woman who has lost all hope, all joy, happiness, all her smiles. Slowly I’ve surrendered to Loneliness, like a love-sick woman surrendering to her young lover.

The lover who makes her forget everything when they’re together. A lover who makes her think only of him, surrendering body and soul, making her believe he is her God and her Devil, the lover giving her brief moments of happiness before she returns to her old and boring life. A life where every day is a cold winters day.

Such is the relationship between me and my Loneliness. It is my lover, it has conquered me, emptied me for all I ever had. All good I ever had. My God and my Devil. Gives so little but takes double as much.

Now it’s only the two of us, I am its slave. But I can never return to my old and boring life like the woman and her young lover.

I don’t remember my life before getting to know the Loneliness. Sometimes I see flashes, contours, shadows, voices…but no. It has chained me to it self for all eternity. I’ve tried to get loose, I’ve tried to beg for my freedom, if it was possible I would have sold my soul to break these chains. But no, it’s impossible. I’ve become a shadow in a place where it’s always foggy. Nobody sees me anymore.

I’ve become detached from my body and brain. I sit and watch my own decay.

Sometimes we’re not alone, my Loneliness and I. We’re joined by the many thoughts. Small, big, thin, thick, black, red, white, blue… Combined we make an explosion of colors. But nobody sees that. Just us…and we’re fine. The Loneliness is thrilled because it is not alone, the thoughts are thrilled because they’re always active…and me…

Do I dare say something else than: I am happy? But I am not… I admit it to myself. If I say it out loud something will happen. Something terrible, dangerous, something that can’t be fixed. I am afraid. Afraid of facing reality. Afraid of war. War against my master, my God, my Devil, my Loneliness.

I am too afraid, I don’t have the courage to line up with weapons like a positive mind, optimism, hope and joy. I am afraid of losing. If I loose my master will not be merciful. If I lose, it will torture me, throw me in a big dungeon, wrap me in sheets of disgrace, put me in heavier chains.

Oh, If only I had a little courage…. But yet again in lack of courage I fall into its warm and familiar embrace. I let it suck out my power…what’s left of it.

The Loneliness, it knows all my thoughts, it knows as good as you reading this I don’t have the courage to leave it. With or without a fight. IT knows everything… It knows I’m its eternal slave.

So in fact, this is not an ode…it was meant as an ode…but then these strange little thoughts came back, waking up the warrior in me and forcing me to riot in silence. An imaginary riot, but still….
Hush… I can hear it… my soul….screaming…..and screaming…then it gets so exhausted that the screaming turns into sobbing…silent crying …in the end it stops screaming…just because she is tired…and falls asleep… poor little one…but she doesn’t die…falls asleep… And whatever falls asleep wakes up again, and continue to scream…

The Loneliness loves the fact the soul is in pain…it observes these screaming incidents as if it was a comedy. It laughs and laughs and laughs.. and me? I am insignificant in this story. I am just a slave chained to the Loneliness. I am just a channel for the thoughts. They are having a dialogue through my brain.. I think…therefore I am not.

I don’t know for how long I’ll function as a voice for the Loneliness and these thoughts. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to listen to my soul screaming, feeling how the chains are getting tighter… the Loneliness choking me…HOW LONG?

I really don’t know. Maybe one day I’ve gathered courage to riot. Maybe one day I’ll be able to get all the weapons to go to war against my master. One day the sun is shining and the Loneliness forgets me for two second…. little time, but much can be done in so little time. Right? Maybe….only maybe…. but for now I have to return to my Loneliness….

I hear it calling for me…but maybe one day….

an ode