My biggest little heart.

So, let me start by saying I am not a parent nor am I planning to become one. This post is dedicated to the love of my life.

It all started a year and approximately 9 months ago when my brother told me his girlfriend was pregnant. Of course we didn’t know that early whether it was gonna be a girl or a boy. To me it didn’t matter, I was going to be an aunt. What an honour! I thought of my aunt who was 16 when I was born and I turned 40 the year my niece was born.

Every time I went to the shopping mall I had to make a stop at the baby shop, trying to find neutral colors, neither blue nor pink. Well, in my opinion why shouldn’t a boy wear pink and a girl blue?! It started with a funny giraffe, continued with the softest bunny slippers in the world, a piece of clothing (can they make them smaller??) here and there, tiniest Converse sneakers and so it continued and trust me, I don’t think it’s ever going to stop.

Time went by, someones belly got bigger and bigger AND bigger… One false alarm, and then all of a sudden one morning in June last summer,  I woke up early and there was a bunch of pictures of a tiny and wrinkled little person on my phone. By the way that   didn’t stop either, my phone keeps warning me to empty the storage all the time.

We went to the hospital (and of course I got lost along the way!!) and that first moment when I laid my eyes on her; I really don’t know how to describe it. My knees got shaky,  eyes teary… You know the deal.

I have to say that I am petrified of holding babies younger than 6 months and that day I had to face my fears and hold a few hours old baby and I was SO scared. I kept thinking: am I holding her right, what if something happens (never mind the fact that both her parents and my parents were in the same room)…

She had her first birthday last week, I don’t know why time flies around babies and toddlers, I really don’t.  We celebrated her birthday in Serbia as well as her baptism few days ago. Today I spent the whole day with her and when I took her back to her parents and went home, there was suddenly this huge hole in my heart. And it happens every time she comes to visit and goes back home.

Every time I see her the, hole disappears. I honestly never imagined loving someone that much.  And I am sure that it is visible from the moon.

My friends have different opinions on me being 41 and not having a child. One still has hope that I will have a child one day, give birth or adopt, another one understands that being single and raising a child is not an option for me, and then we have the one that understands that I have come to terms with a life without a child. Widening the circle gets me a whole lot of opinions, but they are their opinions.

I salute women deciding to get a child my age and I salute the ones deciding not to have a child. We have to respect the fact that we are all different and regarding this issue we will have different opinions. When you come to terms with living your life without a child in it, that’s it. I am not changing that. Anyhow, this post wasnt about my life.

I feel like all the love I have in my heart has been piling up all these years to be given to her.

The depression, the anxiety, the family issues, the constant stress, shitty day at work, shitty days in life in general, it all disappears when she looks at me and raises her little arms. It is like the whole world disappears when I am with her, all the bad things are not existent. The smile, the laughter, the crying, the look in her eyes… it is something unexplained but real and day by day it makes my heart grow bigger. It patches up the holes in my heart, it heals all that is damaged in me and all the scars are slowly disappearing.

I have been watching her grow a whole year, seen all the changes, imagining what she will look like in a few months, in a few years, as an adult. Asking so many questions; what kind of personality will she have, what kind of eye color, what will she become when she grows up… This tiny little person will one day become an adult like me. Will I do my due diligence as an aunt? How can I learn her to become whatever she wants to become? What is my role in her life? So many questions, but I just have to let her and time lead us on our path.

The only thing I know for is that she IS the love of my life and that will never change.



Spur of the moment

[spur-uh v-th uh-moh-muh nt]

While standing outside and smoking a few words just flew through my mind and I kept repeating them over and over again… And they all lead to this, well I don’t know what it is, a short poem? Go figure… :) Anyhow, here u go, interpret it as you wish.